Author: Natalie Walenty

**If you really aren’t okay, call 988**

As we are all aware, we are living in a chaotic, waking nightmare. Rich investors are buying up our housing and gouging us for rent, women’s healthcare is being criminalized, and Adam Levine is tragically thirsty on Instagram. We’re all feeling this pressure, right? It can’t just be me.

BREAKING NEWS: IT IS NOT JUST ME

Over the summer, I arrived at the grocery store early in the morning, around seven. A young man was collecting carts in the lot. We exchanged our pleasantries. “How are ya,” he said, flatly.

I wanted to tell him I was mere seconds from repeatedly ramming my head into the brick building until I bled out on his shopping carts. I wanted to tell him I was desperate for the liquor store to open, and isn’t it such a shame they don’t open until nine? I said, “I’m good, how about yourself?”

I don’t know which word in my question was the magic one, but I unleashed something in this young man that sounded like it had been pent up since “A mysterious new virus has been discovered in Wuhan, China.”

Cue an Oscar worthy monologue that I can only paraphrase: “It’s bad, it’s bad. You know? It’s so hot out here. I’m out here every day, all day, and do I get enough breaks? Do they care about me? No! No. They don’t care about me, and if you get fired – if you quit – you lose your home. Is anyone there to help you? Nope. You’re out on the street, and now they’re making that illegal, too. You get arrested just for sleeping outside.”

I stood there, nodding my head, but I really wanted to scream with him. I wanted to jump up and down and tell him to come with me, let’s go set something on fire. So, I said, “I hear ya.”

He shoved a stack of six carts into their row. “There is no happy here.”

You guys. This really happened. I just walked awkwardly into the grocery store. What else could I do?  Another morning, another fever dream.

It’s becoming clearer everyday people are starting to crack. Just take a stroll over to r/publicfreakout to see the worst of our society on full display. So, in an increasingly unstable world, how do you stay ahead of the game? How can you pretend to be okay? Speaking as someone who is definitely, completely okay, I’m here to help you with that. 

SAY YES TO PLANS (BUT DIP EARLY)

One of the biggest giveaways of a complete collapse is withdrawing from your friends. Don’t be that guy; keep your poker face. When a friend invites you to a party, say yes. However, let’s say there is a small wrench in the plans. Let’s say you have somewhere else to be just 90 minutes into the party. 

Do you really have somewhere else to be? Fuck no, unless you count sitting in the dark watching David Lynch and drinking alone as somewhere else to be. No one needs to know that. All they’re going to think is, Hey! My friend is so busy, but they still cared enough to come by. She really is okay!”

PUT ON A NECKLACE OR SOMETHING

You know who’s totally okay? Women who put enough thought into their outfit to wear a necklace with it. Or assorted rings, or a hip and trendy arm cuff, you get it. Put something shiny on your face and hands. Show off your trinkets like the crows do.

“Oh, what’s that, a necklace? Wow, that bitch is doing okay.”*

And, last but certainly not least, my personal favorite:

TELL THE TRUTH 

Honestly is the best policy when it comes to pretending you’re okay. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but asserting your crippling mental illness as a funny joke works so well it’s almost disturbing.

Picture this: You’re at the communal coffee bar at work and your coworker comes up to ask you how you are. How about just telling them? Try it. Slap a big dumb smile on your face and say, “You know what? I gotta tell ya, I really wish I was dead!” Your coworker will laugh and laugh. 

“Oh, you are dark!” they’ll say.

To which you could respond, “Do me a favor and send me the train schedule; I wanna get down to the station early so I can jump in front of one!” 

Boom, you got the whole breakroom laughing. Idiots. “You can say that again!” they’ll laugh through their coffee-stained teeth. You’ve got the whole gang in stitches, and you are definitely 100% okay.

The man in green has mastered all of these techniques.

*Oh, and one more time: if you’re really not okay, dial 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline*

Now go and have some fun with it!

It’s a Good One

Have you ever said something that impressed you so much, it changed your own life? Have you ever been so perfect, so flawless, that you’ve felt the need to capture that moment? To cradle that moment, the moment you were perfect, in your own delicate hands like a baby bird? Well, I sure have, and this is my story.

It was a stressful morning. Moving day. Money needed to be stowed away and spent at the same time, and time needed to be allocated like money. Much like a trip to the DMV on a Monday morning, I needed to turn this situation into something positive. And, again – much like the DMV – with nothing to assist me but my charm, I charged in like a bull in a china shop and straight into the greatest joke I have ever told.

The scene: An empty U-Haul rental storefront

The players: Myself, my husband, an unnamed woman, and the U-Haul man.

Action!

My husband and I woke up that morning groggy and disgruntled. It was the day after we got the keys to our new place, but the excitement was less than palpable. We needed to get the moving van early. It was going to top out at 100 degrees that day, and with limited time to move, we needed all the mild weather we could get.

We entered the U-Haul storefront and found it empty, save one other customer who had arrived before us. Never being one to hang around and wait, I immediately asked what was going on.

The unnamed woman was also quick to answer. “I don’t know. I’ve been waiting here and I’m running late. I’ve already looked all over for someone, and no one is here.”

I craned my neck over the counter and peered into the backroom. “Hello?”

Nothing.

A few short minutes passed. No one, not even I could see what was about to come. Had any of us any idea of the life altering joke that would be falling into our laps, I’m sure the silence would have been much more comfortable- perhaps even rejoiceful?

Suddenly, the unnamed woman turned her head and pointed towards the door. “I think he’s coming.”

“The employee?” I ask, growing more antsy by the second.

“I think so. He’s wearing a U-Haul shirt.”

And there it was, just like that: The perfect set up. I couldn’t ignore it; this was my moment. I turned to my husband and the unnamed woman, my heart racing. I’ve waited my whole life for this. I put on a puzzled face and asked them both:

“But what if he’s just a really big fan?”

It was done. God halted. Sisyphus stood straight and let his rock tumble down. Lucifer texted “lol” to his group chat (Michelangelo has left the chat).

Steve Harvey came out applauding from behind a shelf, handed me a huge bouquet of flowers and adorned my body with a satin sash that read: Best Joke Ever Told. Ellen also popped out from the employees only area; as it turns out, she’d been filming the whole time! She handed me a pair of white tennis shoes as congratulations. The UHaul employee removed his mask. He was Barack Obama. My eyes welled with tears as he awarded me with the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

Okay so that last part might be a very slight exaggeration, but the joke was real. It was organic, it was timed perfectly, it was delivered flawlessly. Our laughter echoed through the concrete storefront, and the unnamed woman remarked I had “quite the imagination.”

You’re goddamn right I do, ma’am.

Anyway, moving sucked. 

If you’re anything like me, you cry a lot. If you’re nothing like me, you probably still cry a lot because the world is terrible. As I round the corner to 32, passing the “Dangerous Curve Ahead” sign with reckless abandon, I find myself wanting to improve my home essentials. You know, a sort of grown-upgrade, if you will (and you will).

Last year (or perhaps the year before, time is a social construct), I upgraded my bath towels to a 100% plush cotton style. One of the easiest ways to feel rich is to buy a nice towel from the clearance rack and walk out of your bathroom with it wrapped around your shoulders. Add fuzzy slippers and men are going to start assuming you run a magazine.

Anyway, with the towels already at their absolute peak, I knew it was time to finally upgrade the home accessory I use the most: Pillows!

HIGHS AND PILLOWS

I use my pillows for two different things: Sleeping, and crying. And, since I’m typically sleeping through the hours I spend asleep, I only really know which pillows I prefer to cry on. So, in my quest to upgrade my pillows, I thought I’d list some of my favorites for you!

I cry into my pillows for myriad reasons. Frustration, anger, sadness, anger, and frustration. I need a lot of cushion, and a lot of flexibility for when I fold my arms around it during a particularly strong sob. Not to mention, I need something sturdy. Pillows take punches almost as well as they take tears, and I’m taking that into consideration too.

I visited this website to begin my search, and boy oh boy, do I have thoughts. Let’s get into it!

DOWN WITH THE THICKNESS 

The best and thickest pillow on the site is called the Luxury Bamboo Pillow. Now, it got a really high rating for thickness, which is obviously important for absorbing tears. It’s also ideal for burying your face in it. According to the website, it’s also very flexible for maximum support. As I stated before, flexibility is important for those really bad days when your whole body is crying. I give it a solid 10/10.

Of course, not every pillow is a winner on this list. The Memory Foam Pillow seems to leave a lot to be desired. It doesn’t score very high on the softness list like the others do, and it apparently also sports a bad odor. Gross! Imagine taking a deep relaxing breath into something that smells bad. Not a good way to cry at all. Not to mention, the foam apparently gets hard over time. I need a soft surface to cry on, that’s why I use pillows. If I wanted to cry on something hard, I’d cry on my past choices. At least it boasts flexibility, but at this point, does it matter?

Okay, those are the two I’m talking about. You didn’t really expect me to talk about more than 2 pillows, did you? There’s one more piece to this puzzle. What, exactly, are you going to dress your number one cry pillow in?

SHEET TO CONSIDER

The answer is simple, and the answer is silk. We are women, after all, and we need to always be thinking about our skin and how to make it perfect. That’s why I choose to always cry on a silk pillow. I can cry safely on a pillow in a silk sheet because I know I won’t break out the next day. Not to mention, silk pillow cases are just another upgrade for my home goods. How rich am I?

CRY IT AT HOME!

Pick your favorite pillow, have a good cry, and let me know what you think! Good luck, everyone!

So, there’s a big party coming up, and you’ve done it again: you’ve spiraled. Maybe it’s a new, cute spiral just budding its first spring bloom, or perhaps it’s the same spiral you’ve been nursing for months. No matter how you want to spin it, you’re not doing so hot. And now you’ve got to put yourself in the middle of a crowded space and actually engage socially. I’m sorry, what? 

If you’re anything like me, you need a sturdy emotional wall raised before you even attempt to meet a group of friends at the bar. Well, you’re in luck! I took a deep dive into my best tricks, and I can guarantee you that by the end of this article, you will feel empowered to face that crowd of people. Just follow these easy steps!

1. FEIGN EXASPERATION

Feigning exasperation is a fantastic way to make it sound like you’re deep in the grind, even when you spend your weekends sleeping until 1 PM and then digging into raw cookie dough until 2:30. The key to feigning exasperation is to not overdo it, lest you provoke questions from whoever you’re speaking with. Keep it light, keep it vague, and keep that wall up.

Someone asks you about your career? Give them a big sigh, throw your hands up and say, “Things have been crazy! I don’t know how I’ve been managing!” They don’t need to know the “thing” that’s been “crazy” is YOU.

This also works if you’re not dating anyone, but people won’t leave you alone about it. “So, you’re not seeing anyone?” Shake your hand dismissively and say, “Oh, I’ve about had it!” while giving a playful, conversation-ending laugh. No one needs to know you’ve about had it with people asking you this fucking question.

2. READ ONE NEWS HEADLINE

You don’t even need to read the article. No one does. All you need to do is mention one popular headline from that day or the day before and suddenly you’re a well read woman who is up to date on everything. And here’s the best part – if someone asks you your opinion of the article, see step one and just feign exasperation! “Don’t even get me started! I could talk about this all day.” And then laugh like an asshole and sip your drink. Try not to chug it. You’re in public, for God’s sake.

If you read two news headlines, get ready to look like you’ve really got your shit together. Especially if you can somehow tie those two headlines together into one cohesive thought: “The president doesn’t control gas prices, but with his approval rating dropping to a new low, it sounds like most people just don’t understand that.” Do you understand that? Does it even matter?

3. FEIGN EMPATHY

You know that you do not understand the stress of a new baby, or home ownership, or grad school, but that doesn’t mean the person you’re talking to knows that. Try empathizing when they mention something grossly impressive: “So you waived the inspection and now you find you have to gut the heating system? Mmm, I hear ya.” If they ask you about your home improvement projects, you know what to do: That’s right, go right back to Step One and repeat!

4. KEEP IT (MOSTLY) ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE

Look, as long as you keep the conversation focused on other people (which is very easy to do because we are all ego maniacs who love to talk about ourselves), you’re going to avoid looking like a total dud. However, you do need to interject something, otherwise people are going to catch on. I mean, probably not, but you’ll have anxiety over it anyway. So, try and tell the person you’re talking to something about yourself, even one tiny thing. I like to go with: “I have a beautiful cat.” Then, I whip out my phone and show them pictures. Boom. Just like that, I’m a normal person with the wherewithal to spoil a cat.

5. BRING IT ALL TOGETHER

If you put all of these steps together, you might just come off as a well-rounded person. Interested in other people, not dominating the conversation, humble (vague), empathetic, and well-read. Look at you go! You must be so successful! Who cares if you had to put on extra makeup because you were crying before you got to the party? You did it! You look so put together.

FIGHTING FOR UKRAINE

Well, well, well, if it isn’t me. Happy Friday, everyone! And most importantly, Happy Small Lights Friday! It’s been a while; I’ve dusted off my cobwebs and I am coming out the gate swinging today.

As some of you may have already noticed, the world is a little bit upside down right now. It’s painful to watch what is happening in Ukraine, almost a world away, unable to help. And it’s difficult to be a Small Light when you might feel like you aren’t making a real difference in the darkness.

However, we don’t have to be helpless. There are steps we can take, even from across the ocean. Let’s talk about the unmatched bravery of Ukrainians and how we can support them in their fight.

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?

I’m not going to sit here and attempt to explain the geopolitics of all of this. For one thing, I’m nowhere close to an expert, but beyond even that, any attempt to thoroughly go through the history of Russian aggression against Ukraine would keep us here all night. 

Ukraine has been under the threat of Russia for years now, with the annexation of Crimea happening way back in 2014. Putin’s main goal is to recover all of the countries that were once part of the Soviet Union, willingly or not. Ukraine is a developed nation with a budding democracy, and Putin is trying to squash it. How foolish of him to assume Ukraine is anything like a bug.

THE STRENGTH OF UKRAINE

Ukrainians have been reportedly making their own molotov cocktails, with guidance from their government, no less. Vitaly Skakun Volodymyrovych, a Ukrainian soldier, blew up a bridge and sacrificed his own life in order to halt the advancement of Russian troops. It appears as though every single able-bodied Ukranian is prepared to fight until the very end. In a completely unexpected feat, they have managed to maintain control of their capital city, Kyiv, for three weeks now. There’s no question the people of Ukraine are of a different caliber. A higher caliber. No one embodies this better than their president.

Volodymyr Zelenskyy

We do our best to be Small Lights, but there is one specific person on this planet right now that is demonstrating leadership and bravery that proves him a full beacon. President Zelenskyy, comedian-turned-President, first piqued my interest during Trump’s* first impeachment trial in 2019. I’m embarrassed to admit, when I first learned about Zelenskyy, I actually felt bad for him. I thought to myself, this poor guy is in too deep with our bully of a president! I have never been so happy to have misjudged someone’s character.

Volodymyr Zelenskyy has been and continues to be an absolute pillar, not just for his country, but for the entire world. He has shown the world what it truly means to be a real leader and, in doing so, has somehow managed to bridge the toxic gap that’s been widening within our own country’s borders. I’m hesitant to recognize any silver lining in such a devastating, traumatic turn of events, but I do think it’s better for our mental health if we give it our best shot.

SO, HOW CAN WE HELP?

There are certainly organizations you can donate to that are aiding Ukraine in this conflict. Of course, we need to be careful here. There are some less scrupulous people out there who may want to take advantage of our bleeding hearts. Thankfully, the Ukraine subreddit has some legitimate organizations you can trust. The site does a good job advising what each charity’s specific goal is. I tried to take it one step further and pull up their scores on Charitynavigator.org so we could check out their overhead, but because they’re not based out of the US, the database did not bring anything up. 

Considering I cannot translate pages upon pages of financial information, I decided to donate directly to the Ukrainian army. I know exactly where my money is going – right to the armed forces! If you’re not comfortable donating to an organization with no rating or available financials, UNICEF and Amnesty International both have campaigns in support of Ukraine. You can even check out my past article about donating smart.

KEEP THE FAITH

What I’ve come to learn these past few weeks as we watch this madness unfold is that morale is everything in war. What we are seeing in Ukraine right now is nothing short of miraculous, a true David and Goliath. We must stay positive. We cannot have a defeatist attitude about this. Putin will not win. For everything he’s done these few short weeks, from claiming Ukrainians are Nazis to bombing maternity wards, the Ukrainian people have stood tall and strong. If they can be strong, we need to be strong with them.

Slava Ukraini!

We Are Coming Back!!

We are coming back, better and stronger than ever. I have missed this project SO much and I am so happy to be back in it! Stay tuned for tomorrow’s Small Lights post!

I might even need to kick off a little contest!

It’s so great to be back! I hope you’re as excited as I am!

*This article is satire. Do not attempt at home. See the end for resources that will actually help your health and wellness!

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had a hard time concentrating lately. I’m not sure if I can attribute this to the housing crisis that drove my husband and I into an overpriced 2 bedroom, or the not-so-subtle threat of nuclear war that has been hanging over our heads like some sort of dystopian mistletoe. Regardless of the reason, life just hasn’t been as cool and breezy as it’s meant to be and, if you’re anything like me, you’ve seen this translate into your careers. 

Let’s be totally honest with ourselves. No more beating around the bush: Our careers are all that matter, our jobs define who we are, and you’re totally worthless if you are not finding a way to monetize every free second of your one, sacred life. Your 401K is absolutely more important than whether or not you contribute love and joy to our Mother Gaia. So, let’s look at some great tips and tricks experts say can help numb you to what’s happening to our fellow humans around the world and allow you to focus on what really matters: Customer satisfaction and Profitability.

NEVER BE 100% SOBER

Knocking back a couple of brewskies in the middle of the workday is a great way to maintain productivity. If you can dull your senses just enough to where the Russian invasion of Ukraine is a mere afterthought, well, I’ll be damned if you can’t bang out those spreadsheets! Studies show* that one of the biggest drivers of low productivity is the crippling anxiety one feels over whether or not one will still have a home when the economy collapses.

The good news is that you are one simple bong rip away from being able to zone out and away from the fact that you will never be able to own a house. You will never retire. Your income may be low, but at least you’re high.

*There is no study. There was never any study.

VIEW EVERYTHING IN HYPOTHETICALS

Viewing everything in hypotheticals ensures you can keep a safe distance from reality, which in 2022 is the healthiest way to live.  “If I had children,” “If I owned a home,” “If there was a nuclear war,” “If the housing market ever stabilizes.” These are all really fun hypotheticals you can now think about and debate without ever having to commit to anything because you can’t fucking afford it. The best part about hypotheticals is that none of it is real, just like the illusion of choice. 

DAYDREAM ON COMPANY TIME

They can take your posture, your joint health, and definitely your dignity, but one thing Corporate America will never take away from you is your daydreaming. At least, of course, until we have the technology to track the imagination. Spend as much time as you can just staring into space. Why, you ask? The answer is simple: All of this is pointless anyway, and you’re accomplishing just as much for the greater good as if you did nothing all day. So, stare at the wall. At least if you’re just staring at the wall, you’re quietly sticking it to the old, white, male shareholders that keep you handcuffed there.

REMIND YOURSELF THAT YOU WILL EVENTUALLY DIE

Once you’re dead, you won’t have to think about any of this anymore.

HAVE FUN!

The most important thing you can do to ensure you remain career driven is to, of course, have fun with it! It’s fun to wake up earlier than your body clock dictates to sit in traffic for 45 minutes just to get to an office for a job you could easily do at home. It’s fun to work so hard that by the time you make it to Saturday, all you want to do is sleep. This is fun! This is all so, so fun.

HEALTH RESOURCES

SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-4357

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

30 Ways to Stay Active at Your Sedentary/Desk Job (Buzzfeed)

Psychology Today: Mindfulness

The feeling is famous. That sneaky dread, working its way from the back of your skull down to your belly. Thoughts racing through your mind: What does all of this mean?

An existential crisis can take many forms. Maybe you see your friend’s “save the date” and it makes you burst into tears even though there’s nothing to be upset about (except, of course, the unrelenting passage of time). Perhaps you catch a glimpse of your profile in your bathroom mirror, and you can’t remember when you started looking so… old. And, of course, there’s the ever-popular dead-end job challenge to contend with. You’re 31, when do you “start doing what you love for work, so you never work a day in your life”?

I actually have no idea how to handle an existential crisis. So, instead, I’m going to outline advice that’s been given to me, along with my very appropriate responses. Maybe we’ll learn something together. Let’s go!

KEEP CALM

Don’t you love when people tell you to calm down? If there is any guaranteed method of cranking someone’s crisis lever from zero to sixty, it’s “calm down.” Oh, and another thing: Don’t tell me to keep calm and carry on. Don’t tell me to keep calm and drink wine, or pet a dog, etc. When was the last time you saw a calm woman win a triathlon? Oh, you haven’t? Because being calm is overrated? Exactly.

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS

Who do you think I am, Lou Vega? I already know what I have. I love it all so, so much. However – and this is a big however – my dope globe bar is not what defines me. My book collection, vast as it may be, does not define me. Even my family, my husband – these people do not define me. (If you are picking up on some veiled brags, you are correct, and I also have a classical Taylor that I am obsessed with). Humans are curious creatures. I want more, and I do not think that’s a bad thing to say. I want more for my husband, my cat, and everyone I love. Is it really selfish to want more if you want more for everyone?

LOOK HOW FAR YOU’VE COME

No.

KEEP WORKING HARD

I hate this one because it’s true, but only barely. “Keep working hard.” Telling a 31 year old to keep working hard to achieve their dreams in 2021 is like telling an 18 year old to go to college: You are filling their heads with false hope and costing them money. With income inequality reaching its highest level in over 50 years, our age bracket is, generally speaking, “effed.” My husband and I were preparing for homeownership back in 2019 and now, with the pandemic, we find ourselves pining for just a larger apartment.

“Keep working hard” really means work until you make the right connection. It sucks, but it’s true. If you’re a woman, it’s even harder. So, while this might be the best advice you can receive, it is also the most depressing. Because you have already been working so hard, haven’t you? You feel like you’ve been working hard since you were a kid and now you’re being asked to just hold on a little longer and work a little harder. Maybe you feel like it’s all carrot and no stick.

Me too.

GET DRUNK WITH A FRIEND

Always helpful.

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

LGBT Hotline: 888-843-4564

Massachusetts Smash Room