It’s a Good One
Have you ever said something that impressed you so much, it changed your own life? Have you ever been so perfect, so flawless, that you’ve felt the need to capture that moment? To cradle that moment, the moment you were perfect, in your own delicate hands like a baby bird? Well, I sure have, and this is my story.
It was a stressful morning. Moving day. Money needed to be stowed away and spent at the same time, and time needed to be allocated like money. Much like a trip to the DMV on a Monday morning, I needed to turn this situation into something positive. And, again – much like the DMV – with nothing to assist me but my charm, I charged in like a bull in a china shop and straight into the greatest joke I have ever told.
The scene: An empty U-Haul rental storefront
The players: Myself, my husband, an unnamed woman, and the U-Haul man.
My husband and I woke up that morning groggy and disgruntled. It was the day after we got the keys to our new place, but the excitement was less than palpable. We needed to get the moving van early. It was going to top out at 100 degrees that day, and with limited time to move, we needed all the mild weather we could get.
We entered the U-Haul storefront and found it empty, save one other customer who had arrived before us. Never being one to hang around and wait, I immediately asked what was going on.
The unnamed woman was also quick to answer. “I don’t know. I’ve been waiting here and I’m running late. I’ve already looked all over for someone, and no one is here.”
I craned my neck over the counter and peered into the backroom. “Hello?”
A few short minutes passed. No one, not even I could see what was about to come. Had any of us any idea of the life altering joke that would be falling into our laps, I’m sure the silence would have been much more comfortable- perhaps even rejoiceful?
Suddenly, the unnamed woman turned her head and pointed towards the door. “I think he’s coming.”
“The employee?” I ask, growing more antsy by the second.
“I think so. He’s wearing a U-Haul shirt.”
And there it was, just like that: The perfect set up. I couldn’t ignore it; this was my moment. I turned to my husband and the unnamed woman, my heart racing. I’ve waited my whole life for this. I put on a puzzled face and asked them both:
“But what if he’s just a really big fan?”
It was done. God halted. Sisyphus stood straight and let his rock tumble down. Lucifer texted “lol” to his group chat (Michelangelo has left the chat).
Steve Harvey came out applauding from behind a shelf, handed me a huge bouquet of flowers and adorned my body with a satin sash that read: Best Joke Ever Told. Ellen also popped out from the employees only area; as it turns out, she’d been filming the whole time! She handed me a pair of white tennis shoes as congratulations. The UHaul employee removed his mask. He was Barack Obama. My eyes welled with tears as he awarded me with the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
Okay so that last part might be a very slight exaggeration, but the joke was real. It was organic, it was timed perfectly, it was delivered flawlessly. Our laughter echoed through the concrete storefront, and the unnamed woman remarked I had “quite the imagination.”
You’re goddamn right I do, ma’am.
Anyway, moving sucked.