*This article is satire. Do not attempt at home. See the end for resources that will actually help your health and wellness!
I don’t know about you, but I’ve had a hard time concentrating lately. I’m not sure if I can attribute this to the housing crisis that drove my husband and I into an overpriced 2 bedroom, or the not-so-subtle threat of nuclear war that has been hanging over our heads like some sort of dystopian mistletoe. Regardless of the reason, life just hasn’t been as cool and breezy as it’s meant to be and, if you’re anything like me, you’ve seen this translate into your careers.
Let’s be totally honest with ourselves. No more beating around the bush: Our careers are all that matter, our jobs define who we are, and you’re totally worthless if you are not finding a way to monetize every free second of your one, sacred life. Your 401K is absolutely more important than whether or not you contribute love and joy to our Mother Gaia. So, let’s look at some great tips and tricks experts say can help numb you to what’s happening to our fellow humans around the world and allow you to focus on what really matters: Customer satisfaction and Profitability.
NEVER BE 100% SOBER
Knocking back a couple of brewskies in the middle of the workday is a great way to maintain productivity. If you can dull your senses just enough to where the Russian invasion of Ukraine is a mere afterthought, well, I’ll be damned if you can’t bang out those spreadsheets! Studies show* that one of the biggest drivers of low productivity is the crippling anxiety one feels over whether or not one will still have a home when the economy collapses.
The good news is that you are one simple bong rip away from being able to zone out and away from the fact that you will never be able to own a house. You will never retire. Your income may be low, but at least you’re high.
*There is no study. There was never any study.
VIEW EVERYTHING IN HYPOTHETICALS
Viewing everything in hypotheticals ensures you can keep a safe distance from reality, which in 2022 is the healthiest way to live. “If I had children,” “If I owned a home,” “If there was a nuclear war,” “If the housing market ever stabilizes.” These are all really fun hypotheticals you can now think about and debate without ever having to commit to anything because you can’t fucking afford it. The best part about hypotheticals is that none of it is real, just like the illusion of choice.
DAYDREAM ON COMPANY TIME
They can take your posture, your joint health, and definitely your dignity, but one thing Corporate America will never take away from you is your daydreaming. At least, of course, until we have the technology to track the imagination. Spend as much time as you can just staring into space. Why, you ask? The answer is simple: All of this is pointless anyway, and you’re accomplishing just as much for the greater good as if you did nothing all day. So, stare at the wall. At least if you’re just staring at the wall, you’re quietly sticking it to the old, white, male shareholders that keep you handcuffed there.
REMIND YOURSELF THAT YOU WILL EVENTUALLY DIE
Once you’re dead, you won’t have to think about any of this anymore.
The most important thing you can do to ensure you remain career driven is to, of course, have fun with it! It’s fun to wake up earlier than your body clock dictates to sit in traffic for 45 minutes just to get to an office for a job you could easily do at home. It’s fun to work so hard that by the time you make it to Saturday, all you want to do is sleep. This is fun! This is all so, so fun.
SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-4357
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
30 Ways to Stay Active at Your Sedentary/Desk Job (Buzzfeed)