Halloween is upon us and, with it, the inevitable partying. At 31, a lot of people are probably excited for their tax returns. Not me. I have been waiting for this weekend all year. So, come on my fellow 30 somethings, let’s go trick or trick (it’s all deception now). When you’re in your thirties you obviously still want to party, and here’s the perfect how-to guide to do just that.
PREPARE FOR PARTYING BEFOREHAND
Always best to pack a water bottle on Halloween! Or, if you’re like me, several water bottles. You are going to be doing drugs. Everyone knows that by the time you hit your thirties, going all night on booze alone is simply out of the question. Also, and I’m sorry, but alcohol is just boring. I prefer using mushrooms, nature’s gift that keeps on giving. Psilocybin knows no age. Magic mushrooms hold no prejudice. This universal fungi serves us all. Tonight, I plan on utilizing Gaia’s greatest medicine. Some of you might prefer cocaine, or molly, but the results remain the same. You want to elevate yourself on this sacred day, and I am here for it. (Don’t do drugs, drugs are bad).
GET A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP
In conjunction with the above notes, this is imperative. You cannot successfully participate in debauchery without adequate rest. What happens when you start falling asleep over your haunted scorpion bowl? Do you think the ghosts will wait for you? Sweet, sweet summer child. Ghosts have been waiting long enough.
BE AS WEIRD AS YOU CAN BE
Look, you’re at least 30, right? The time to impress people is long over and we all know it. So get weird. I mean, get really weird. What does that mean for you? Here’s what it means for me:
Embrace your inner weird. No one else is going to do it for you. If you do not express your inner weird, you will be eliminated. No one in this world has ever made a difference without pissing people off. What are you, a butler? You live to serve? Get the fuck outta here. Go make someone mad.
PREPARE FOR THE HANGOVER
I have a tried and true way of getting rid of a hangover, and it’s just as expensive as it is elitist. Make yourself a green smoothie. I’m talking spinach, kale, strawberries, bananas, yogurt, peanut butter, and a sprinkle of magic (is it cocaine? You decide!) Guzzle that green beauty and chase it with the biggest bong rip of your life: make Jack the Ripper jealous.
MOST IMPORTANTLY: HAVE FUN!
Listen, bitch, your problems will be there tomorrow. Hell, they’ll be there tonight, but you do not care. It’s Halloween, baby! You’re 31 and you have precious little to hold onto. Grab onto this spooky night with your cold, dead hands. You’re an adult. You’ve earned this. Now, go and get your candy!